Friday, 17 December 2010

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Friday, 04 June 2010

  • Hopelessly Inadequate

    Last night I went to Real Life, which is the ministry of Campus Crusade at OSU. It's the biggest fellowship on campus, with hundreds of students and small groups in almost all of the dorms on campus. I have to admit I really wasn't expecting to like it: several of my friends who have gone, both Christian and non-Christian, didn't have great things to say about the Thursday night meetings or about the ministry in general. But I actually did like it, in the sense that I felt it was well put-together but definitely in the sense that God met me there. The Holy Spirit showed me a lot of things--I can't say if they were directly because of the speakers or actual programming of the evening or just because He really wanted me to hear these things and would have opened the mouth of a squirrel or something to tell me if need be. What I realized last night:

    (1) I have felt In A Rut lately.
    This in regard to everything from my studies to my friendships to my relationships with my family and with David to, especially, ministry. At this point in the year I feel (or felt, prior to yesterday night before this wave of revelations) burnt out and like a failure. I felt like a huge chunk of the relationships I had poured myself into, from Christians to non-Christians to everything in between, had not really bourne any fruit. All three of the people I really wanted to go to Chapter Focus initially showed promise and then ended up deciding not to go. That kind of messes with your heart after a while.

    And the way I've responded to this perceived failure on my part has been in bitterness toward those around me, my ministry in particular. But what I recognized last night (and the irony is not at all lost on me) was that

    (2) I love InterVarsity. And God has chosen it for me and me for it.
    There's nothing like visiting other ministries to make you appreciate what you have in yours. I'm not white American, and I didn't feel that as keenly as I expected to last night but I definitely still felt it--perhaps more accurately, I felt American ethnocentricity assaulting me full force at times. It's really sad how, in many American churches and ministries, America's tendency to think we're the Only Nation comes out in a complete lack of caring about God's vision for the nations and not just for the nation of America. But I've never felt that way at IV--everything from IFES to Il Ma Sauve reminds me that my God is bigger than the 48 states, so much bigger.

    And what came out of that, more vitally, was the conviction that

    (3) Lately I have not been pressing in.
    This is a Mark Study term, I think. Or perhaps just an InterVarsity-ism. Anyway, there have been so many opportunities lately for the Spirit to convict me, for me to take risks and let go and let God...and I've dropped so many of those chances. Chances in my quiet times to actually encounter God and not just slip into the routine of answering questions about Scripture. Chances at weekly meeting to seriously consider applying what I learn from the teachings. Chances in my relationships to reach out instead of pulling into my comfortable (but really miserable) shell. I have lost my passion for God lately, and He's been reaching out to me but I've been rejecting it.

    So I decided not to do that anymore, as much as I am able--I can't do that anymore because the awareness of my apathy lately has been awful. I've missed Jesus so much and I'm ready to come back. Ready to give this summer my all, give my leadership team my all, give my relationships and studies and life my all again. That's really the only way to live.

Saturday, 08 May 2010

  • simplify, simplify, simplify

    Lately I've been consumed by this  massive desire to undercommit and simplify my life. To introvert. To eliminate some of the teal on my Google Calendar and just make room for white space. To actually make some significant headway in Grand Obssession. To have the time and the heart to really do the few things I need to do WELL. I'm thinking about dropping my Spanish minor. I'm thinking about politely turning down as many social invites as possible just to have some time in the library with a cup of tea and my multicolor pen and my Skull Candy headphones plugged into Glee on Pandora.

    This obsession kind of hit a peak about an hour and a half ago, with me sitting on my bed at the tail end of a day in which I felt like I accomplished nothing. This is, of course, not true--I spent almost the entire morning from 9 to 12 working on Chinese, and spent the afternoon with some delightful girls making crafts, one of which was a card for a certain special someone's wedding.

    So I was a big grumpypants at that point. And my hair was really greasy, and I didn't feel like I had earned a shower since I'd intended to get sweaty and work out before showering, but hadn't had time because my Chinese assignment due today was so difficult. And I was with David, who was being his usual heart-bursting-out of-its-poor-membranes-for-God-and-every-one-of-His-sheep self which just made me even more grumpy because I didn't feel that way at all.

    But I did end up taking a shower, albeit somewhat of a shower of defeat, and then I sat down at my little devotions corner on our futon and recopied a Bible verse flash card that I made back in high school 'cause it was getting grungy:

    Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. 
    Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 
    Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. 
    He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, 
    and your justice as the noonday. 
    Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; 
    fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, 
    over the man who carries out evil devices! 
    (Psalm 37:3-7)

    I think the part of it which really hit me--and at that point I'd made some peppermint tea which had also put me in a better mood--was the line "he will bring forth your righteousness as the light."

    Is it just me, or does that verse sound like God is a gameshow host who says "Door #Delight-In-Me? Okay, let's open that one and...it's a BRAND NEW RIGHTEOUSNESS JUST FOR YOU!" I know, this is silly. But that's what I think of when I think "bring forth," and I also think of jumping up and down and screaming just like your average winning gameshow contestant. And even the American individualist is pleased to know that this is my righteousness, not the righteousness of my church or my boyfriend or my role model or my accountability partner but my unique God-given righteousness. My unique slice of the new imago dei. 

    God said "let light shine out of darkness," and don't I believe that even as He brought photons into existence he can bring His love into existence in me? Well, no, sometimes I don't believe it but I've seen it happen so I can believe it at least.

Thursday, 06 May 2010

  • I feel like I never do follow-up right.

    I keep reminding myself it's grace, it's God, it's not me, but I've yet to come out of a follow-up meeting with someone thinking "Wow, I felt like that went well and I did a good job." It's always more like "I was too harsh! I shouldn't have tried to persuade her of this! I should have just let it go!" or "I was so awkward!" or "I messed up my gospel presentation!" or something like that. I feel like it's such a delicate, impossible balance to know what to say to someone when trying to share the Gospel with them. How do you know when to push and when to just let something go?

    And given the glory and the holiness of our God, how can I just sit there when someone claims they're "world 4" (aka a missional Christian) despite not even having Jesus in their life? It's so hard to muzzle yourself when someone uses their community service and their intentions as a claim to being beyond the justice of Christ and beyond need for the Cross.

    *sigh* The God of this World has blinded the minds of unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light...but God, who said let light shine in the darkness has shone in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

    I have this treasure in a jar of clay. Just clay. And I guess that was in every way intentional so that truly, I would know coming out of every follow-up that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to me.

    How do you usually feel after a spiritual conversation with someone?

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